Thinking about thinking

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This is a very cerebral post, so I will try to keep it short.

As a person who thinks a lot, I think lots of possibilities. I have ideas upon ideas and they pass through my mind quite fleetingly. This is happening to me all the time.  I think the goal, the steps, required materials, possible problems, possible outcomes, all in one foul swoop. I can break ideas down, but when I am thinking in general without concentrating on disciplining my thinking, I see it all at the same time. So generally, ideas come and go quickly because they have been attended to and are usually dismissed, because, well I can see a lot of possible problems before I start and my mind has moved on to the next idea.

Because of the way I think, I also see a lot of complexity in the world.  I can think of lots of bits and pieces that make up whole actions, so anything that I do not know how to do I see as difficult. I appreciate how demanding everyone’s jobs are. I empathise with people’s different life situations. If you give me a problem I can give you many explanations why that happened.  I can also justify anything because I see how different things are linked. As a teacher, I can create activities that are engaging, educational and manageable all at the same time, and often quite quickly off the top of my head. I can envisage change and how that may or may not succeed.  Of course, the actual result may not be the same, but in my mind I can think of the big picture. I actually do not like the tedious details, they weigh down on me as there are too many, and I see them all at the same time. I enjoy the ideas phase of a project and teasing out the plan of action. The actual doing is not so inspiring to me, so it is very hard to find hobbies that I enjoy from beginning to end.

Reflecting on this perspective that my mind naturally takes, I feel like I am being tricked. I feel like I am being tricked into thinking too much and almost sabotaging my action on difficult ideas that might be worth doing.

Is it not true, that doing would be a lot easier than my mind thinks it would?

I wonder why I have this thinking pattern, and is it good or bad?

Does this type of fast thinking hinder creativity or is it how creativity works in my mind?

Is my mind allowing me to see a lot of ideas and be selective on what I choose to do, or is it making me eliminate possibilities before I have even tried?

I do a lot of things but I always feel I could do more. I want to know how other people’s minds think and how they manage their idea processing. I also want to know whether processing too much thinking has played a part in exhausting my body to the point it is now chronically unwell.

Zombie life

Sometimes, well actually a lot lately, I feel like I’m floating through life in some semi conscious state, not really focused on anything. Dazed and confused and not able to concentrate. Like a zombie. I even just thought what if I am dead and I haven’t worked it out yet?

Can zombies drive cars and pump fuel and eat McDonalds? Maybe.

Chronic illness and a changing self

Chronic illness eventually changes the way you think about life.  This seems to happen bit by bit every day. The speed of this change would depend on the illness severity and the personality of the person.  I actually think I can feel my thought patterns changing. Not only has my body slowed down, but my thinking and decision making has become a lot more controlled.  I am becoming a lot more wary of tension and emotional build up. Some people may look at this and think I am not excited or passionate or involved. I am those things, it is just a slow, paced excitement, if you get what I mean. I also make decisions based on something other than head or heart, but I am not entirely sure what it is. Maybe I have started making decisions based on intuition about what I need?

Here are some thought patterns that become the mainstay of those who manage illness over a long period of time:

– Treasure the small things.

– Treasure special times with family.

– Evaluate what is really important.

– Make the most of every opportunity.

– Make the most of the life you have been given.

– Only I understand what I am going through.

– I have to prioritise my needs over what other people expect of me.

People with chronic illnesses only have limited energy, limited patience, limited effort. Anything too draining emotionally or physically has to be cleansed from your life. Deciding what and who is important and what/who needs to drop by the way side is important.  You have to choose quality over quantity in many things, including relationships. It just isn’t worth it to have negative and toxic people suck the life out of you, literally.

Every day can be a different challenge and this never stops. You try to plan around your individual needs, but this doesn’t necessarily go to plan. Every day is a new day and we never know how that day will go.

Can you feel your inner self changing? What is new? What have you left behind?

Crazy brain moments

Some days I have a crazy frustrating circular fight going on in my head and I am sick of all the to-ing and fro-ing. A lot of these thoughts aren’t even that accurate, they are somehow twisted according to my mood or how stressed I feel or how fatigued I am or how much pain I am in. It might go like this:

There’s all these things to do.

I have to do something, now!

But, it’s such a lovely day to relax.

I need to relax for my health.

And there’s nice things to do like drawing.

But I have other things I should be doing.

Oh, I just noticed something else that needs doing.

So many things are being neglected.

I don’t like the way the things look.

I don’t have time to do them all.

Because I have to rest all the time so little gets done.

I hate that I feel like lead and that my body hurts as soon as I move to do something.

I shouldn’t do the lovely things I have waiting to do like drawing and reading and writing and art.

Because of all the things I have waiting to do that have to be done.

And I’m just sitting here debating what to do.

And doing nothing.

But I must have got some things done.

Because they are done and I have moved on to new things.

I ‘d better just decide what to do and start doing it.

I know, I’ll get a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit.

Then I’ll start something.

A life in episodes and series

I feel like life runs in episodes and series, like a TV show. Right now in my life there is tying together of the events of this series of my life. This series is coming to an end. In today’s episode:

I just finished my uni assignment, the last one for a long time. It’s for a postgrad certificate in teaching Religion that I needed for work. Having already done my Masters, I need to stop studying now.

I have reached the point of second diagnosis, new medication and hopefully a new level of lesser pain. New medication starts tomorrow, today’s job is to go and get it.

My son finished his last postgrad uni exam two days ago. He is moving onto something new and I am excited to see what this is.

My life is becoming a lot more simplified with less commitments and stressors.

I am anticipating the end of the school year and my assignment to children and classes and roles for next year.

I am preparing for solo overseas travel for the first time. This is the teaser for what will come in the next series.

I think the defining factor as to where you are in a series can be found in the feeling you have about your life, does it feel like a beginning, a complication, a resolution, a conclusion?

Think reflectively and see, where are you currently at?

Fog

My mind is fried.
I just had to check what month it is.
Earlier I wasn’t sure what day it is.
My words come out wrong. I said rhubarb instead of beetroot. I said I put rhubarb in my vege bake.
I am thinking confusing things. It’s like the gears are stuck, I’m in first gear and my mind is throwing out whatever it can find loose in there.
I want to do this, I want to do that. I don’t know what I want.
Now would not be the right time to continue my uni assignment.
I’m just sitting on the couch in my nest.
I think if I move I might not remember why I got up. Or I’ll start something then get distracted and forget I was doing it.
We have a new kettle now, it’s electric and turns off automatically, not gas on the stove. I won’t forget it and burn the house down now.
I think I’ll go make a cuppa. I probably should eat something too.

Have you ever thought about…

Have you ever thought about…

If you drew yourself, your physical self, from scratch, what would you look like?

What medium would you like your picture of self to be presented in?

What would your inner self look like?