Single and sick

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Retro dating

If you are chronically ill, you try to avoid putting the negative effects of your illnesses on anyone, including partners, families, work colleagues, friends and strangers. As a single person then, it is difficult to take the plunge to try to meet new people. Who would want to be with me and my illnesses? How could I inflict this life on someone? Dating is also so emotionally taxing and exhausting. The other day I said that I think I can’t be bothered. My son told me I need a different perspective to the situation. I guess I do but it might take someone to educate me to see it differently.

There was a time when I was married to a very generous, supportive man. I know he would stand by me no matter what. I failed that relationship, not him.

Then I was in a relationship with a man who is bipolar, narcissistic and unable to show empathy unless he is trying to get something out of you. He failed me and left me three weeks after my diagnosis with fibromyalgia.

Right now I am flaring, sick, dealing with new medication and all round mentally exhausted. I am not as active as I want to be and would be poor company most days. I am also 41 and becoming very comfortable running my own life solo.

I am starting to consider the possibility of finding a new mate incomprehensible.

How can someone who is so frequently sick and no doubt very hard to coordinate time with (and put up with) find someone who will be supportive in this situation?

Surely the initial meeting someone and having early dates requires you to be at your best physically and mentally?

When should you tell a new person about your illnesses and your struggles?

How could you put the struggles you deal with daily into the life of another person?

How would you even find someone compatible at this stage of life?

These questions are not all unique to dating, or finding a partner. However, in the mind of someone who is chronically ill, the odds seemed to be stacked against you. You could have the most interesting, engaging personality most days, but one day you’ll be in pain, medicated up and foggy and you won’t be so attractive anymore. Then this will become more than just one or two days, when you have a flare and you can’t make it out of your bedroom. Suddenly you won’t be able to give anything of yourself but you will want your partner to somehow understand and support your random needs. No one would want this.

So, this is my perspective. Please tell me another way of seeing this situation of being single and sick. Maybe I need to hear success stories. Are there any?

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16 responses »

  1. I got a lot worse after marrying my husband a year ago. I always feel so guilty because we are young newly weds and I always feel too tired and sore and whatever else to do much of anything. It should be one of the funnest times of our lives and I’m just like…let’s sleep some more… It’s really hard.

    At the same time, who you are makes it worth it. You are not your illness, it may overshadow you on some days but on good days they remember why they are with you. And personally I don’t know how I would have made it through without him as so many other relationships fall away.

    It’s hard, but I think it’s definitely worth pursuing when you find the right guy. And if he is the right guy, he won’t mind helping you fight x

    Like

  2. Oh, I know exactly what you mean! I have the very same thoughts.
    You are 6 years younger than me tho, and have a lot more going for you 🙂
    Yes, you really do! For one thing, I am knocking on 50’s door and you are barely out your 30’s! How’s that for using a different perspective? 😀
    You’re going through a bad patch at the moment, but don’t write yourself off just yet, petal. You never know what – or who – is just round that proverbial corner.
    And if he is worthy of you, your illness won’t matter to him.
    ((((hugs)))))

    Liked by 1 person

  3. LOL that was sneaky 😀
    I’m still not fully recovered from this year’s relationship disaster. That’s my excuse lol
    Although my best friend wants me to join ‘date my single friend’ where your friend writes a recommendation for you. Eek!! I keep resisting! 😛

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m 21 and I have tried dating apps because i barely leave my house now but I don’t talk to them long. Guys who wanna talk just want to have fun. They want to meet and go to parties and I’m scared. Being alone does look easier.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I have an agreement with my partner that when my illness flares to the degree that it
    is having a negative effect on our relationship that I will go into a semi-structured
    program.

    I often wonder how anyone can live with me when I can scarcely live with myself.

    The fact is that we are not these illnesses that take so much of our time. We are human
    and we have the same needs as everyone else.

    We are strong people who are surviving and learning and making mistakes as we find the
    courage to go on.

    Each of us must eventually seek this courage–there is no other way to cope with the pain
    of mortality–

    We’ve got an early start…I hope that you feel better soon…:)

    Thank you for this post…

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hello my friend
    I have Chronic Lyme Disease and fairly new to the struggle. I also suffer from Bipolar Disorder and have for over 30 years. There aren’t any magic answers only some ideas. My previous marriage of 13 years ended because he didn’t think anything was wrong with me. So glad I thought enough to leave and put myself first for once. If had to start meeting people at 51 with Chronic pain, I would start with hanging with a group of people with similar issues. People you can talk to and be understood. Worst case scenario you make some friends, best case you find more.
    Stay positive and believe in yourself
    M

    Liked by 1 person

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