Then there is guilt

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Guilt

I realised this morning that having illnesses in my life makes me feel guilty.  Guilty as in I have done something wrong to someone, not guilty as in I have done some crime.

I feel guilty that I am sick. I feel guilty that my life is this. I feel guilty that I have changed. I feel guilty that I inflict this version of me onto others. I feel guilty that my son has to witness this everyday. I feel guilty that I can no longer do the things I used to. I feel guilty that my moods are up and down and a lot down. I feel guilty that I come home from work, sit in a chair and then sleep two hours only to wake up in a grumpy mood. I feel guilty that I suddenly get angry sometimes. I feel guilty that I talk about illness and my symptoms. I feel guilty that I don’t feel a part of anything anymore. I feel guilty that I can’t walk further than a slow crawl around the block. I feel guilty that a shopping trip with me involves stopping and snappy answers. I feel guilty that my mind races all over the place and I jumble up what I am trying to say.

This could go on and on. Why, if I did not cause or ask for these illnesses to come to my body and into my life, do I feel guilty?

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About lisasretro

I'm a 41 year old teacher, single and have one adult son. I'm currently finding a new me and new style of living while learning to manage chronic illness. In short, my mind is over active and my body can't keep up. I love art, retro and vintage stuff, eclectic fashion and travelling anywhere and everywhere. I often also get all caught up in social justice issues, my fave being marriage equality, until it happens here in Aus. Bucket list enabled, hold on tight.

7 responses »

  1. I know I am late in commenting on this post, but I have been going through past blogs of people I have met on here.
    I completely understand what you are talking about and how your your guilt manifests its self in many forms. I have been dealing with the guilt I feel about how my chronic illness and the effect it has on my family, friends and loved ones. I miss the “old me,” and various versions of my “old self” as my health changes. I hope and pray you can focus on the people around you who like and love you just the way you are. You will never be alone when this feeling or other related feelings show up. It seems like the commenters above and I all agree that you are not alone in this ever.

    Like

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