There are days when my mental health seems to be slipping from my grip. These are mostly days when my body and my mind are exhausted. The roller coaster of feeling good and feeling bad of feeling capable and of feeling useless wears me down. Some days I forget that there are good days, I forget what they feel like and I dismiss the possibility of ever having one again. On weak days I envisage a life become worthless with no way to improve. On weak days I wonder who will be there for me when I cannot be there for myself?
Every day is different. Yesterday I felt as if I was falling victim to a virus, but I suspect it was my immune system flaring at me. I needed rest. Today I am on a rest day. I don’t feel rested yet. I still feel sick actually. I wish the day had nothing in it and I could sleep and wander and draw and read and I might feel rested. Instead, I have jobs waiting for me that I carry around like a dead weight. I don’t know why I feel like that but it is probably making my health even worse to be thinking that way. The “normal” me is passionate and inspired and an ideas person. The “tired” me dislikes any commitment or any call to do anything.
I’m still not sure what is troubling me right now, fibromyalgia, arthritis, medication, tiredness, pain, sore throat, mouth ulcers, blocked sinuses, not being able to walk properly, the thing that isn’t right in my eye, real sickness, chronic sickness, being sad, having to work? How can I keep my sanity with all these issues that never go away?
All of this madness in my mind needs calm and rest.
Last night I ordered a book, Women Work and Autoimmune Disease. The book may help me work out how to control my health better. The problem is, every time I get my life at a good pace and my symptoms under control, something rattles it all and I am spiralling out of control again. I suspect I need to work it out for myself. Maybe I should work it all out and then write my own book. (Not like anyone ever did that before.)